I got day ones and I got new ones
Skepta
No greater love than this than to lay one’s life down for one’s friends
John 15:13
I recently read Tomorrow and, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow the bestselling novel by Gabrielle Zevin. I know I know, I’m late to the party (but not as late as you if you haven’t read it). Tomorrow follows two friends, Sam and Sadie, across 30 years of friendship, love, and the creative commercial pursuit of designing video games.
I’ve never been a gamer, but I could not put the book down. I’m not just saying that – I found myself trying to make excuses to finish work or leave social gatherings early just to get home and pick up where I left off.
The two main characters – Sam and Sadie – meet in a hospital as children. What’s brought them together is tragedy but what keeps them together is play. Zevin writes this about their initial meeting over a game of Super Mario Bros:
To allow yourself to play with another person is no small risk. It means allowing yourself to be open, to be exposed, to be hurt…
to play requires trust and love.1
Again, I’m not into video games but the idea of play as a bridge to friendship has stuck with me.
When we are children what connects us is this innate desire to play. Whether the game is tag or hide and seek.
In high school, we build friendships with our peers based on what music, sports team, or interests we share. The pattern continues into college and university only around seemingly more profound issues – politics, spirituality, and a shared notion of angst, creative pursuits, and love. But somewhere along the way, we lose the language of play and with it friendship.
We get full-time jobs and spouses and mortgages and start taking ourselves a little too seriously. Then we turn 40 and don’t have anyone to invite to our birthdays, weddings, or even hang out with on a random Thursday night. The heart-breaking scene in I Love You Man, where Paul Rudd’s character overhears his fiancés, and friends saying he has no friends comes to mind.
Anyway, last month I turned 28 and the older I get the more I cherish my friends both present and past. This week alone has been full of small and big catch-ups with those I am blessed to call friends.
On Monday I went for a run with my friend Kyle who challenged the shadow side of my radical idealism. He loves me enough to hurt my feelings.
On Tuesday I had tacos with my friend Rob whose shared pursuit of creativity leaves me in awe and laughing. He is generous wild and beautiful.
Last night I had dinner with four close friends. We laughed, argued, and had a great meal.
This weekend I went away for some time of rest, prayer, and reading with my good friend Ben. He is ravenously curious and unpretentious.
I say all this not to flex - though I do think I have the coolest friends in the world - but to share that for years I believed the lie of loneliness. A lie that is prevalent in many churches and faith communities - is that a single person is a second-rate Christian and must grit his or her teeth until they find a man or woman to marry, then everything will be okay.2
I’ve witnessed many young adult relationships and marriages break down (for many reasons) because of the unrealistic expectations we place on our partners. One person cannot satisfy or meet all of our interests and quirks.
We are radically dynamic beings. Again, one person cannot satisfy all of our whims and whines - nor should they! We were designed for a web of healthy and deep friendships. Romantic love has its place, but Jesus said, “I no longer call you servants but friends.” Not lovers or partners.
Sure, I want to be with a beautiful woman. But the intimacy and delight I long for can be met in deep friendship. Over runs, laughs, tears, dinners, and phone calls I have come to be known – warts and all – by some of the best friends I’ve had. Through friendship, some of my heart’s deepest longings to be seen and celebrated have been met. As Augustine puts it:
Two things are essential in this world—life, and friendship. Both must be prized highly, and not undervalued. They are nature’s gifts. We were created by God that we might live; but if we are not to live solitarily, we must have friendship.3
Play and similar intreset get us started on the road of building friendships but it takes time to cultivate and generiosty to sustain. But I believe true and rich friendship has to possibility of pointing to the renewal of all things. In a world rife with lonelieness we can be friends. This doesnt mean get rid of the ones you have, it means become the kind of friend you most long for.
I’m rambiling now but what I mean to say is that a friend in the truest sense is one that enters our life and isnt looking to use or get something from us but instead is “secure enough not to exploit our weaknesses or attack our strengths, recognizes our inner life and understands the difficulty of living out our inner convictions, confirms what’s deepest within us.”4
Cultural commentator David Brooks once wrote about resume vs eulogy virtues. The notion is quite self-explanatory. He writes:
The résumé virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral — whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?5
There is a lot I hope to achieve in this life. But at the end of my days, I hope to be known as a friend. As one who stood by his companions on rainy days and sunny days, in joy and sorrow, one who laid down his life for the sake of the other.
Gabrielle Zevin, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow (Dublin, Ireland: Penguin Random House UK, 2022), 22.
Jasmine Holmes, “The Single Person’s Search for Intimacy,” desiringGod, https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-single-persons-search-for-intimacy?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR0pbmvpp1QKac-QMbRzvRcpBRGQupM8pXdnCS6e81Coek53aFxkymIpQGw_aem_ssdhEDzQTvySBdkE7B_kTA.
Augustine, Confessions, Book 4.
Eugene Peterson, Leap Over A Wall: Earthy Spirituality for Everyday Christians, HarperOne.
David Brooks, "The Moral Bucket List," The New York Times, 2015. See also: David Brooks, The Road to Character Kindle ed. (UK: Penguin Random House, 2015).
Yes and amen. It feels like we live in a culture that undervalues male friendship. Any time two male characters are depicted as close friends in entertainment, it’s immediately assumed there has to be something more going on. Let men be friends!