How to Be Single
a short reflection on singleness to the glory of God
“I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me.”
Colossians 1:29
“It is painful to sleep alone but it is perhaps even more painful to sleep alone when you are not sleeping alone.”
Ronald Rolheiser
Being single is an interesting experience. Being 28, Christian and 3 years celibate is an altogether unique social experiment.
As author and theologian Danelle Treweek writes in The Meaning of Singleness, our modern understanding of Christian singleness is socially and “theologically anaemic1.”
If you’re single, a term which lacks nuance, then you may have experienced the intrusive and seemingly backhanded questions by well-meaning individuals (insert your pastor, annoying aunty at holidays, or newly married young 21-year-old couple) like:
“Are you seeing anyone? Have you tried dating apps? God will provide when you least expect it!” And comments of the sort.
But few understand the ebbs and flows of singleness and faithfulness to Christ in the 21st century.
Loneliness and longing—for those who have experienced physical and romantic intimacy and mutual vulnerability with a beautiful partner—can be present in abundance (in my case, it’s usually every other Thursday or random weekends at 6:38 p.m.).
I sometimes miss the pain, awkwardness, and forced selflessness of a romantic partnership. The stupid fights (usually my fault), holding hands, testing the waters of trust and transparency, thinking to myself, “Is it too soon to fart in front of them?”
All of this and then some.
Yet – as I am learning – being single is a strenuous gift. Learning to curb the enthusiasm of a once unrestrained libido has, in all sincerity, been a wonderful and painfilled struggle.
I get to do what I want, and now that I am not an alcohol-dependent delinquent, this has been great. I spend money on the books I want to read, to spend time with friends, to run, go watch the movies I want to (Gladiator 2 sucked).
Why am I telling you this? Because I was re-reading Paul’s ancient letter to a small group of Jesus’ followers in the 1st-century town of Colossae, I was struck by the final line in chapter one:
“To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me2.”
In context, Paul is telling this community of his aim to preach the Gospel and shape the hearts and minds of the outcasts, broken and hopeless, into people of peace, hope, and love. To help them uncover and live into the “mystery” made reality in Jesus the Christ.
Paul describes his relationship with this compelling force as “toiling with this energy.”
Now, I may be projecting myself onto the text, but I don’t think it’s completely heretical to say that this text offers a working paradigm for healthy singleness.
In other words, I think Paul, a single man, is getting at the telos of the Christian life here.
You see, Paul understands his life’s purpose (in fact all of creation’s purpose) as pointing everyone that might listen toward the eschatological reality of life in God in light of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth3.
As he picks up in chapter 2:
“My goal is that they [the church] may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge4.”
Jesus and Paul and the writers of the New Testament offer a much more compelling vision for being unmarried to the glory of God.
I think Paul is saying that the invitation of Jesus is to take our rightful place as active participants in the grand love story of Creation. As Pope Francis once said, “Each of us is a link in this chain of love5.”
Further, each person, married and unmarried, is responsible for making the world a more beautiful and just place. To harness the energy in our guts, hearts, bones, and loins for the common good.
As writer Steven Pressfield says:
If tomorrow morning by some stroke of magic every dazed and benighted soul woke up with the power to take the first step toward pursuing his or her dreams,
every shrink would be out of business.
Prisons would stand empty.
The alcohol and tobacco industries would collapse, along with junk food, cosmetic surgery, and infotainment business.
Domestic abuse would become extinct, as would addiction, obesity, migraine headaches, road rage, and dandruff6.
Or, as Paul more succinctly put it:
“For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed7.”
Now, I am not saying I hope to be single – heck, I would enjoy the toil and blessing of partnering with a beautiful woman to build a future with – for the rest of my life.
But I am saying I am getting busy living here and now.
I am no Paul, but I, too am seeking to “toil with the energy that works powerfully within me” and to take my rightful place in Christ’s chain of love.
I hope you are, too.
Danielle Treweek, The Meaning of Singleness: Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2023, 219.
Colossians 1:29 NIV 2011.
See: Treweek, The Meaning of Singleness, 217 – 226.
Colossians 2:2-3 NIV 2011.
Christopher West, Theology of the Body For Beginners: Rediscovering the Meaning of Life, Love, Sex, and Gender, Florida: Beacon Publishing, 3rd edition, 2018, 73. Original quote from Pope Francis, April 2013.
Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles: New York: Black Irish Entertainment, 2002, introduction.
Romans 8:19 NIV 2011.